Be honest, dig deep or don’t bother

“The writer of memoir makes a pact with her reader that what she writes is the truth the best she can tell it. But the original pact, the real deal, is with herself.   Be honest, dig deep or don’t bother. “  (Abigail Thomas, Thinking About Memoir)

I believe in the Abigail Thomas pact.  Be honest, dig deep or don’t bother.  I know this sometimes makes my writing difficult to read, and it makes other people concerned about my wellbeing.  But I want friends and family reading my blog to know that when I say I am doing well – I really am doing well.  I am not just putting on a positive front for others.  And when I am not doing well – I try to say that as clearly and honestly as I possibly can.

I can tell I am transitioning out of my bad days and into my good days.  I have a list of small indicators that affirm this for me.  I could stand long enough to brush my teeth.  Check.  I was able to focus and read the newspaper this morning.  Check.  The nasty glue-like taste in my mouth, and overall novocaine sludge feeling throughout my body is lessening.  The chemo ninjas completed this cycle’s assault on any remaining cancer cells (or any other fast growing cells) in my entire body and now it feels like the clean up crews are trying to purge the wreckage from that battle. 

All that said, it is still an act of sheer will power to take a shower and get dressed.  So far today I have not managed to muster the energy to check that one off my list.