Nadir

“When discussing chemotherapy side effects often you will hear the word nadir, mainly in reference to the blood counts, particularly white blood cell count and platelet count. Nadir basically means low point.”

While I think I am a few days away from my white blood cell count nadir for this cycle, there is no doubt in my mind that today I hit my emotional nadir.  It began with a very simple error in assumption.  Bob borrowed my computer to make sure the projector he needed to use for a power point presentation this evening worked on a mac.  (We are a mixed marriage  - he is a PC user and I hardcore mac.)  He is somewhat clumsy negotiating a mac, and accidently touched the microsoft word icon instead of the powerpoint icon.  The document I had been working on popped up, and when he went to close it he tapped “do not save changes.”  The problem was, I had never saved the document at all.  So one key stroke took away everything I had written over the past few days.  Normally, I “save” compulsively.  However, the last few days have been really, really, hard and I only managed to peck out a sentence or two before needing to retreat to the couch.  While what was lost was less than a page long, losing it sent me completely over the edge.  Those few paragraphs had documented my lived experience of the hardest days following chemotherapy.  While it is completely irrational, on an emotional level taking away my written record of the experience deleted the “proof” that the experience really happened.

I believe our memories are selective.  This cycle, these really bad days felt worse than the really bad days of the last two cycles.  But I don’t really know because I don’t have clear memories of those days, and did not try to capture the essence of those worst days.  I just wanted to survive them and move on.  And in the past, that is what I did.  However, this time, during the worst of it – I tried to write about it.  And that is what I lost.

I am not going to go back and try to remember or recreate that document.  It would feel forced and artificial.  I am going to do what I always do – keep moving forward. In the past it felt more important to document the better days.  I knew during the bad days I would need documentation that it all gets better, and the “proof” that there are good days – lots of them – before the next cycle straps me once more on to this freaking somatic amusement park ride.  And let me be very clear.  I hate amusement park rides.

Right now I am thankful for proof of the good days.  Today is only Tuesday but I hold on to my past experience that by this weekend, I will be feeling better.  During my lowest moments, I listen to Belleruth Naparstek’s recorded affirmations.  “I know there are times when I become worried, fearful, despairing, sad or angry and I acknowledge and accept what I feel as my inner truth of the moment.”  While there is a level of consolation in knowing things will get better, I still need to live in and through this moment.  And this moment is dominated by sadness and anger. 

When I realized my last document was really lost, I started screaming, yelling and crying hysterically.  It was one of those “straw that broke the camel’s back” moments.  In the past few months I have lost so much more than my left breast.  I have lost my sense of self as a strong and healthy person.  I have lost my ability to dream, make plans or feel confident about the future.  I sincerely hope this is my lowest point, my nadir.  It is no place I care to dwell.