The day after chemo #3

May 31^st is always an emotionally loaded day for me.  My parents were married on May 31, 1952.  They were two individuals from wildly different backgrounds who stayed together over many rocky years and were not only responsible for my being on this earth, but for giving me the complex personality that has served me well.  It was also 18 years ago today I experienced the end of my first pregnancy.  A day when the hopes and dreams for the surviving twin I was carrying, came crashing to an end with cramps and bleeding following Gustavus’ graduation ceremony.  And now today, two of my friends are in surgery joining the sisterhood of those who know it is more important to save lives than breasts.

Yesterday I had my third (of six) chemotherapy treatment.  My second cycle was similar yet less anxiety ridden than my first.  I knew, at least a little, what do expect.  The day of and a few days after the multiple hours at the Cancer center, I feel tired but basically okay.  I take a dose of steroids the day before, the day of, and the day after the day of treatment.  These steroids suppress any side effects but also make sleep more difficult.  Days three through ten I feel the side effects more acutely.  None of it is terrible, it is just all my normal body sensations are off.  I feel like I have a low dose of Novocain running through my entire body.  It feels a little thick and numb.  Food and even water are unappealing.  Yet I feel better if I have some food in my stomach.  I lose a layer of skin all the way through my gastrointestinal track.  I lose the top layer of skin on my tongue and roof of my mouth.  I feel better lying down, or at least sitting down.  My energy is very low and my mental processing is less acute.  I can look at photos in a magazine, but don’t have the focus to read a long article.

Then about day eleven I wake up in the morning and I feel more like myself.  I don’t feel quite as energetic as usual but I don’t feel any of the odd sensations of the previous week.  And, I feel immensely grateful and think, “I can do this.”  I get as much done as I humanly can, and enjoy the following ten days before heading back into the next cycle.  I keep using the word “manageable.”  While not pleasant at all, it is all manageable.  I use that word so frequently I decided I needed to look it up in a thesaurus and find some synonyms. “Wieldy, handy, controllable, practicable”- geez those are all hopeless.  I am sticking with manageable.

Which brings me back to the parts of my personality I inherited from my parents.  I often joke with my sister that it is completely unfair that I inherited both my father’s bad temper and my mother’s migraine headaches and rolling veins.  It is true my father had an explosive temper.  But I learned from my policeman father how to be a fierce advocate for myself and for others – and yes, this sometimes involves swearing like a sailor and fighting like a bulldog.  However, I also learned from my emergency room nurse mother how to hold the calm center when there is chaos swirling all around me.  Both of these skills have served me well in dealing with breast cancer and all the other unpredictable twists and turns life has thrown my way.

On May 31^st, I always grieve the loss of the first two babies I carried inside me.  Yet I think that experience taught me to treasure even more dearly the one child of mine that did make it into this world. 

Today I am directing my focus to my friends facing surgery and recovery.  They are strong women but sometimes it is okay not exhibit outward strength.  I am holding them in the light.  I am wishing for them days of quietness, and ease as they let their wise bodies heal.  

Earlier today on my facebook update I included an excerpt from the poem Today by Mary Oliver.  Here it is the complete poem.

Today

By Mary Oliver

Today I am flying low and I’m

not saying a word.

I’m letting all the voodoos of ambition sleep.

The world goes on as it must,

the bees in garden rumbling a little,

the fish leaping, the gnats getting eaten.

And so forth.

But I am taking the day off.

Quiet as a feather.

I hardly move though really I’m traveling

a terrific distance.

Stillness. One of the doors

into the temple.

Celebrating round #2

The first time I had chemotherapy, I had a slight allergic reaction to the Herceptin.  My arms broke out in an itchy rash.  For this second round, they gave me benedryl via my I.V. prior to the Herceptin.  Which worked very well, but also contributed to me falling asleep during the Herceptin infusion!  Which is why my last post ended rather abruptly.

All and all, this second chemo went very smoothly.  I knew a little more what to expect and was not so edgy.  On Friday, the day after my second treatment, two of my dear friends from college came down to visit.  Bonnie and Liz, brought lunch, meals to be tucked away in the freezer, and stayed and planted pansies and violets in two planters and pull weeds.  It was so nice to visit with them.  On Friday evening, Josh was inducted into the St. Peter High School National Honor Society.  I was happy I was able to be there for the ceremony, and really enjoyed seeing so many of his friends achieve this honor.  Yet another thing I like about having lived in the same small community for so many years – watching Josh’s preschool and kindergarten friends grow and mature into such amazing young adults. 

Yesterday was another full and rich day that went off without a hitch.  My niece Marit is getting married in Mexico with this summer, and prior to my cancer diagnosis my sister-in-law Mary and I had scheduled a shower for the bride and groom.  Fortunately the party had been scheduled at my brother and sister-in-law’s house, and my brother is a fabulous cook.  There were about 50 people from different corners of both Skip and Marit’s lives in attendance.  Most of people there did not know each other, but all seemed to have a good time. 

And today is mother’s day.  I am tired from yesterday’s events but still feeling okay.  The day began with a bit more excitement than I really needed.  Last night, Josh and his friends had decided to camp out at long time friend “Erkel’s” home in the country.  Josh had driven our VW Eurovan over there and was sleeping in the lower part of the van.  His friend, Aaron was sleeping in the pop-up top.  Others were sleeping in tents or sitting around the campfire.  Erkel thought he would play a little joke and put a very tiny firecracker on the back windshield wiper of the van.  It completely shattered the back windshield scaring the bejesus out of everyone.  Fortunately the shattering glass did not hurt any one.  This all happened about 3:00AM, and needless to say, Josh did not sleep soundly after that.  Tomorrow we will call the insurance company and deal with the outcome of all that. 

Knowing I would have a number of low energy days on the horizon, I requested a comfortable chaise lounge for a Mother’s Day present.  That was delivered on Friday.  I was surprised when Josh and Bob gave me yet another Mother’s Day gift of a beautiful Le Creuset deep covered skillet.  I can’t wait to feel well enough to cook some wonderful meals in that. 

So today I am just resting, and feeling very fortunate.  I am thinking a lot about my mom today.  This is only the second mother’s day I have experienced since she passed away.  I am thinking about my grandmother Juline, who died from breast cancer when she was 36 years old and my mother was only 13.  I am thinking about my cousin Rob’s beautiful daughters who are experiencing their first mother’s day without their incredible mother Marcy, yet another amazing and strong woman who died from complications of this disease.

I count myself among the lucky ones.  I am feeling blessed to be surrounded by circle of support and I am facing this disease during a time when so many advances have been made.  Be it memories or moments, there is so much to celebrate on this day. 

Pink "Hat" Box

I have not posted for a while, which should never be cause for alarm.  I have actually felt really good for the past week and was trying to take care of everything that required physical energy and clear focus, before my second treatment.  Which by the way, is happening right at this moment.  There is free Wi-Fi in the treatment room, so I decided to bring my computer this time. 

To bring everyone up to date, the nuepogen shots, while not pleasant to receive, worked like a dream and my white blood cell counts rebounded.  As predicted, I felt considerable better week three and was happy to attend to the non-cancer things in my life.  Concurrent with my improved health was the belated arrival of spring in Minnesota.  This was undoubtedly a contributing factor. 

Since I was feeling better, and 95% of the inflammation related to my mastectomy was finally gone, I went to The Silhouette Shop in Mankato, to be fitted for my prosthetic breast.  The person, Denise Southwick, who did the fitting was absolutely amazing.  I selected a handful of the specialized bras that have pockets to inset prosthetic breasts.  Once we narrowed the selection down to a few that fit well, Denise helped me insert a prosthetic breast that she visually estimated was my size.  It was incredibly close, but not close enough for her discriminating eye.  She selected a second one, and this one was perfect.  Before she was completely satisfied, she did a number of measurements to confirm the symmetry of my prosthetic breast to my remaining breast.  I was thrilled with the final result.  It is a very good thing I have family and friends who understood when I said to them, “ I want you to admire my left breast.” All agreed the final result was more than satisfactory.  I aslo found it very entertaining is that my prosthetic breast (or what I call my “fake boob”) came in its very own little pink hatbox.