During
the darkest days following my fourth chemotherapy treatment I was not sure I
could go through with the last few cycles. My usual ten bad days stretched into fourteen and my good
days dwindled down to less than a week.
Fortunately during the good days I was able to spend time catching up with
good friends, sharing a number of good meals and overall managed to shore
myself up to the point I was willing to go round #5.
This
morning’s blood work showed one of my liver enzyme’s was elevated to almost
twice the level it was the previous cycle. This was of some concern, and my oncologist is dropping my
one of the chemo drug by 50%. I
also ‘fessed up that I had wine on two different occasions during the last week
when I was feeling better. He
thought the chemo drug was more likely the culprit but strongly suggested I
refrain from any alcohol these last two cycles. Okay no more boozing, I can do that, she said in a grumpy
voice.
I
have really (knock on wood) experienced very little pain with this whole chemo
business. Based on the last cycles
I divide the process into four stages.
First I am on steroids the day before, the day of and the day
after. During the Steroid stage I
talk faster and more non-stop than usual. I find myself cleaning bathrooms and ironing clothes at 10
PM, a time I usually have trouble keeping my eyes open. And sleep is near impossible. I think I finally nodded off about
3:00AM last night.
On
the Sunday after a Thursday infusion, the chemo-side effects truck runs me
over. This is the entryway into
the Sludge phase. I feel thick,
like my entire body has been nuked with novocaine and what has come to be the
most annoying piece – I experience dysgeusia, a fancy word that means the gluey metal mouth that messes with
everything you taste. One article
I was reading about this states, “Certainly, it can affect your ability to enjoy
food.” This I would classify as a
significant understatement. About
ten days after my last treatment my sister and I decided to make a batch of
fresh pesto from the basil in my garden.
Fresh basil, lots of garlic, pine nuts, Parmesan cheese, and olive
oil. Really what can go
wrong? After we made the pesto, I
cooked some pasta, slathered it in the pesto and was ready to taste a little of
the summer. It tasted slightly
like rancid butter. I couldn’t
even eat it. Fortunately, very
shortly after that Josh arrived home and devoured a huge bowl and pronounced it
delicious. So yes, dygeusia can affect your ability to enjoy food.
After
the Sludge phase I go into a few days when my body seems to know it needs to
purge the last of the chemo drugs and the collateral damage from those drugs. My nose runs non-stop, my sweat
smells very peculiar, and I declare dibs and request a clear pathway to the
closest bathroom at any given moment.
Following the Purge days, I go into my Recovery phase, where I feel
quite well and I can sense my body in all its wisdom doing what it needs to do
to put itself back together.
Unfortunately my brain, with quite a bit less wisdom, sometimes
sabotages this effort as it seems to fixate on all that did not get done in
during the previous stages and starts to drag out to-do lists which, at times,
I dive into with my slowly recovering energy. This last time, I did a little of that – but mostly I chose
to spend my good days savoring long meals with friends and doing things that
felt nurturing. My house is a
complete disaster, but I felt physically and mentally more prepared to face
this next cycle.
My
friend Teresa, someone who prior to all this I had only met once briefly at the
dog park, has become an incredible source of support. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months before
me, and has been forging the way. She
writes a wonderful blog that can be found at http://www.teresasaum.com/2013/07/healing.html. In her
recent post she writes about walking home and finding a random piece of paper
on the boulevard. It was hand
written and had this written on it:
“May
today there be peace within. May
you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite
possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have
received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just
the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul
the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
As
I read these words, I couldn’t help but think – I need these words right now.
After brief Google search I found that these words were written by Saint Terese of Liseaux, a visionary
Carmelite sister who lived in the late 19th Century. I appreciate that my friend Teresa has
a Saint Terese dropping words of comfort and wisdom for her to stumble upon. As I face the difficult days ahead I am
going to hold on to these words, and all the other words of comfort, love and
support that come to me via family, friends, saints and angels.