Words from a Saint

During the darkest days following my fourth chemotherapy treatment I was not sure I could go through with the last few cycles.  My usual ten bad days stretched into fourteen and my good days dwindled down to less than a week.  Fortunately during the good days I was able to spend time catching up with good friends, sharing a number of good meals and overall managed to shore myself up to the point I was willing to go round #5. 

This morning’s blood work showed one of my liver enzyme’s was elevated to almost twice the level it was the previous cycle.  This was of some concern, and my oncologist is dropping my one of the chemo drug by 50%.  I also ‘fessed up that I had wine on two different occasions during the last week when I was feeling better.  He thought the chemo drug was more likely the culprit but strongly suggested I refrain from any alcohol these last two cycles.  Okay no more boozing, I can do that, she said in a grumpy voice. 

I have really (knock on wood) experienced very little pain with this whole chemo business.  Based on the last cycles I divide the process into four stages.  First I am on steroids the day before, the day of and the day after.  During the Steroid stage I talk faster and more non-stop than usual.  I find myself cleaning bathrooms and ironing clothes at 10 PM, a time I usually have trouble keeping my eyes open.  And sleep is near impossible.  I think I finally nodded off about 3:00AM last night. 

On the Sunday after a Thursday infusion, the chemo-side effects truck runs me over.  This is the entryway into the Sludge phase.  I feel thick, like my entire body has been nuked with novocaine and what has come to be the most annoying piece – I experience dysgeusia, a fancy word that means the gluey metal mouth that messes with everything you taste.  One article I was reading about this states, “Certainly, it can affect your ability to enjoy food.”  This I would classify as a significant understatement.  About ten days after my last treatment my sister and I decided to make a batch of fresh pesto from the basil in my garden.  Fresh basil, lots of garlic, pine nuts, Parmesan cheese, and olive oil.  Really what can go wrong?  After we made the pesto, I cooked some pasta, slathered it in the pesto and was ready to taste a little of the summer.  It tasted slightly like rancid butter.  I couldn’t even eat it.  Fortunately, very shortly after that Josh arrived home and devoured a huge bowl and pronounced it delicious.  So yes, dygeusia can affect your ability to enjoy food.

After the Sludge phase I go into a few days when my body seems to know it needs to purge the last of the chemo drugs and the collateral damage from those drugs.   My nose runs non-stop, my sweat smells very peculiar, and I declare dibs and request a clear pathway to the closest bathroom at any given moment.  Following the Purge days, I go into my Recovery phase, where I feel quite well and I can sense my body in all its wisdom doing what it needs to do to put itself back together.  Unfortunately my brain, with quite a bit less wisdom, sometimes sabotages this effort as it seems to fixate on all that did not get done in during the previous stages and starts to drag out to-do lists which, at times, I dive into with my slowly recovering energy.  This last time, I did a little of that – but mostly I chose to spend my good days savoring long meals with friends and doing things that felt nurturing.  My house is a complete disaster, but I felt physically and mentally more prepared to face this next cycle. 

My friend Teresa, someone who prior to all this I had only met once briefly at the dog park, has become an incredible source of support.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months before me, and has been forging the way.  She writes a wonderful blog that can be found at http://www.teresasaum.com/2013/07/healing.html.  In her recent post she writes about walking home and finding a random piece of paper on the boulevard.  It was hand written and had this written on it:

“May today there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us."

As I read these words, I couldn’t help but think – I need these words right now.  After brief Google search I found that these words were written by Saint Terese of Liseaux, a visionary Carmelite sister who lived in the late 19^th Century.  I appreciate that my friend Teresa has a Saint Terese dropping words of comfort and wisdom for her to stumble upon.  As I face the difficult days ahead I am going to hold on to these words, and all the other words of comfort, love and support that come to me via family, friends, saints and angels.