Matters of the Heart

On Thursday, August 1, I arrived at the Andreas Cancer Center as physically and psychologically prepared as I could possibly be for my sixth and final chemotherapy treatment.  However, it was not to be.  When I had met with my oncologist prior to my fifth treatment, I had asked him when they would be repeating my “MUGA” test since I felt my heart was needing to work harder than usual in recent days.  I realized I had spent a great deal of the past three months lying on the couch post chemo so I knew my cardiovascular endurance was way down, but I was concerned it was more than just that. 

Before beginning Herceptin, patients are routinely given a MUGA test to get a baseline as to how well their heart is functioning.  Normal heart function falls within a score of 50 – 70 and mine was a healthy 64.  Last Friday my MUGA test was repeated and I had dropped to score of 51.  This still fell within the range of “normal” - but just barely.  My oncologist wanted me to see a cardiologist immediately, and the cardiologist wanted me to have an MRI of my heart immediately and the upshot of all of that was my oncologist’s decision that I was done with chemotherapy.   

However, I did receive my normal dose of Herceptin and the assurance that my heart function would be monitored very closely.  On one hand I was relieved not to have to go through any more chemotherapy.  On the other hand, having the word “mild” precede the words “heart failure,” does not do much the mitigate the impact when the discussion is centered on the current state of my very own heart. 

My oncologist seemed to affirm the point of view stated on the breastcancer.org website that “Women who experience mild or more serious heart damage can stop taking Herceptin and start taking heart-strengthening medications.  This often brings heart function back to normal. “

The cardiologist I saw told me while this is usually the case, it is not always the case and I cannot count on my heart function returning to normal.  Which leads me to believe I will once again be weighing the risks versus the benefits of continuing on this course of treatment. 

With no additional information to base future decisions, I am doing the only thing I know how to do.  I am continuing to try to move forward.  Saturday morning I very slowly walked the five or six blocks to the yoga studio in town, and carefully participating in my first yoga class in six months.  I knew that Judy, one of my first yoga teachers and someone I respect and trust completely, would be teaching class.  There were a few moments when I thought I would be overwhelmed by the emotion of simply being back in the studio but I managed to stay present and continue.  I discovered, not surprisingly, that months of lying on the couch have taken a toll on the strength in my upper back.  But overall it went okay.  The walk home was even slower than the walk there but that too was okay. 

Last summer when I was at Aldermarsh on Whidbey Island, I was introduced to Rune Stones.  Just inside the door to the retreat center was a drawstring bag containing smoothly polished rocks each marked with a symbol attributed to ancient Nordic Tribes dating back around 200 BCE.  The Book of Runes helps decipher these symbols.  At the end of each day I would reach into the bag, pull out a stone and look up the symbol.  It always gave me something to think about and, at times, was exactly what I needed to process. 

Perhaps I was looking for an antidote to this world of high tech medicine but about a month ago I found myself searching, finding and buying myself a set of Rune stones.  The week before my last scheduled chemo, I reached into the bag for the first time and pulled out a stone.  It contained the symbol fehu.  Here is what the Book of Runes says about fehu.

Fehu is the Rune of fulfillment: ambition satisfied, love shared, rewards received.  It promises nourishment from the most worldly to the sacred and the Divine.  For if the ancient principle “ As above so below” hold true, then we are also here to nourish God.

This Rune calls for a deep probing of the meaning of profit and gain in your life.  Look with care to know whether it is wealth and possessions you require for your well-being, or rather self-rule and the growth of a will.

Another concern of Fehu is to conserve what has already been gained.  This Rune urges vigilance and continual mindfulness, especially in times of good fortune, for it is then you are likely to collapse yourself into your success on the one hand, or behave recklessly on the other.  Enjoy your good fortune and remember to share it, for the mark of the well-nourished self is the ability and willingness to nourish others.

The night before I was scheduled for that last chemo, I once again reached into the bag.  I felt through all the smooth stones, let most slip from my hand and pulled out the single stone remaining in my hand.  Fehu.  I had drawn the same stone. 

There is comfort in the promise of nourishment, as I whole-heartedly face the days ahead.