Living Gently

Lately I have been thinking a lot about “living gently.” A few days ago a friend of mine posted this quote attributed to Buddha, “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”  I had shared this quote on Facebook prefaced by the comment, “The last two are hard for me.  Living gently and letting go are not my strong suits.

By contrast I have always completely identified with the individuals described in the opening lines in Marge Piercy’s poem, To Be of Use:

The people I love the best

jump into work head first

without dallying in the shallows

and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.

They seem to become natives of that element,

the black sleek heads of seals

bouncing like half submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,

who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,

who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,

who do what has to be done, again and again.

There is no question in my mind that Marge would have loved me. 

But these days I am trying pause before diving head first into anything.  I am trying to learn to dally in the shallows. 

It has been six weeks since my last, and what turned out to be my final, chemotherapy treatment.  Since that time I have been through two more cycles of Herceptin, the targeted biological therapy that is used on HER2+ breast cancer patients.  If my heart function improves, or at least does not diminish, I will continue with the Herceptin (delivered via Violet, my trusty purple power port) through April 2014.  Next week, I will most likely begin Anastrozole, which is the hormone therapy used to treat breast cancer that is estrogen positive.  More drugs, more side effects.  Insert big sigh.

At this time, things not meant for me, include the image of myself as someone who never even remembers to take vitamins let alone other medications, who is willing and able to go anywhere as long as I have my passport and my credit card, and who can dive in, work all day like a horse and get any job done that I think needs to get done. 

Next week includes beginning of the year workshops and meetings at school.  First year students arrive over Labor Day weekend and classes begin on the third of September.  And, yes, I am going back to work on a full-time basis.

My syllabi are far from finished, and I am moving more slowly than my usual breakneck pace, but on a much deeper level I am ready to go back.  While I am trying to live more gently, and gracefully let go of things not meant for me it is not yet time for me to let go of my role as a teacher.  And for that, I am extremely grateful.